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Part 2: Importance of being true to Oneself
Close relationships of any kind require a certain level of awareness that I have come to understand through years of self development, observing others and through my own personal relationships. From about the age of 14 I became analytical to anything that was happening to me, being independent and living in my own apartment in Skopje (Macedonia), I started to read a lot of self-help books for answers about various issues I, my family and the rest of the circle of people around me were facing. I observed how for each situation I was being in, there were processes running in my head that I would use to explain or try to make sense of it. It was amazing to see how quickly I would recall specific beliefs systems to support my way of being, to help me come out of situation and even convince my self I was right and the other person was wrong.
I came to understand that when we are at a state of awareness from which we are able to open our heart energy, we are able to engage in a co-committed relationship that was very different to one of a co-dependent one that so far I have been experiencing. I realized that Conscious Loving was not only ground breaking, but was changing the way I related to the people I love and also it had a huge impact on my life thereafter. The fact that we create and are responsible for our own reality and the difficulties in our relationships was difficult to digest at first, but as life went on and I continued to work on this model and thought process, it became apparent that most of people around, including me were living lives in a co-dependent relationship that are known to cause energy blockage in the heart chakra.
I chose to turn my own relationships into a living experiment and exploration to see if it is possible to actually be fully authentic and real to oneself, to shift from the culturally pervasive blame game to wonder, to own problem-solving and to use the increased energy of our relationship to expand creativity and contribution.
That’s an experiment that continues to this day. I have been in few relationships, during this period of my life one day, in the midst of an argument, I had an insight that changed my life. I suddenly saw how I created every struggle I had by the same pattern. First I would withhold something—it might be something that at a time I was not even aware off, I was mad about or something I’d done that I felt guilty about. Whatever it was, I wouldn’t tell the truth about it from the fear of not being loved, or not wanting to hurt other people, and because of that concealment I would start to criticize the other person. I’d never seen the connection before: the moment I lied to myself or another person I would start criticizing me, him or her to justify the lying. So, concealment would lead to blaming, which would in turn trigger me or the other person into getting defensive. Then we’d go around and around in a game of Musical Blame until we got exhausted and made up. Once I had that insight, I realized I couldn’t keep repeating the pattern anymore, I decided to end the relationship and make a big commitment to myself: I’am only interested in relationships where I am being true to myself, one that both people are committed to honesty, taking responsibility instead of blaming, and have a deep commitment to ones creative path.
Part 3 to be continued…